For me, the Fiberuary Challenge on Instagram (created by @creativececi) always ends up being more than just about fiber and crafting. For example, the prompts for the past two days (hibernating and on the go) are speaking to me on a whole different level.
Yesterday was just one of those days for me. I had a lot on my mind and was feeling anxious and, well, just bad. But it was Wednesday and according to my checklist, that means recording video. Either a short, "checking in" video or editing pre-recorded, longer episodes for the YouTube channel. So, since the checklist rules all, the thought was constantly circling in my mind, I have to record...I have to record...
But, I just couldn't. Sure, I could have pretended and just recorded a trite message. And it may have come out ok but it would have been fake and not real. And I value honesty about all else. I can respect someone who looks me in the eye and says, I don't like you but we can work together way more than someone who pretends to be friendly to my face and then talks about me behind my back. So why can't I be honest with my feelings in a video or a post on Instagram? What is it about that format that makes it all so different? So then the thought in my head went from being I have to record... to Why can't I share my negative feelings just like I share my positive feelings?
I could have recorded me being all stressed out and shared those emotions with everyone. And I know it would have been okay and I would have gotten acceptance and understanding. But I really, really didn't want to. And I didn't want to share my negative feelings even more than I wanted to keep up with my checklist. My fellow check-listers know that means it was a very strong and compelling feeling. So again, Why couldn't I share my negative feelings as easily as I share my positivity?
Is it the publicity of it all? Because my account is open to the public and anyone can read and see what I'm saying? I don't think so. If I was concerned about my privacy I would keep my account private. On deeper relection, I believe it's about vulnerability. I don't want to make myself vulnerable in that way. And it must be from my sense of pride and the thought that making myself vulnerable in that way shows me to be weak.
Still, does it really? Which shows more strength - exposing yourself on your bad day or putting on a happy face and carrying on? I think these are questions that a lot of people deal with on a regular basis. And I'm no exception.
So, back to my checklist, that is now not being completed. This is making me feel even worse. As my busy "on the go" life is getting busier as my to-do-list items are falling behind. Some people would say, so what? Do it tomorrow; it'll be ok! But for many of us, we define our who by our do. What we do and all the things we accomplish on a daily basis supports our identity and self-worth.
And still, I know there is a problem with this thought too - I'm a valuable person just because I'm me. I know that, logically. It's just on some days it's harder to keep that knowledge at the center of my vision.
So is it stronger to be vulnerable with your feelings or is it better to go into a figurative hibernation and hide your feelings to get through the day; the day with your checklist that defines you but doesn't at the same time? Fiberuary Challenge got me thinking on a whole 'nother level . . .
Yesterday was just one of those days for me. I had a lot on my mind and was feeling anxious and, well, just bad. But it was Wednesday and according to my checklist, that means recording video. Either a short, "checking in" video or editing pre-recorded, longer episodes for the YouTube channel. So, since the checklist rules all, the thought was constantly circling in my mind, I have to record...I have to record...
But, I just couldn't. Sure, I could have pretended and just recorded a trite message. And it may have come out ok but it would have been fake and not real. And I value honesty about all else. I can respect someone who looks me in the eye and says, I don't like you but we can work together way more than someone who pretends to be friendly to my face and then talks about me behind my back. So why can't I be honest with my feelings in a video or a post on Instagram? What is it about that format that makes it all so different? So then the thought in my head went from being I have to record... to Why can't I share my negative feelings just like I share my positive feelings?
I could have recorded me being all stressed out and shared those emotions with everyone. And I know it would have been okay and I would have gotten acceptance and understanding. But I really, really didn't want to. And I didn't want to share my negative feelings even more than I wanted to keep up with my checklist. My fellow check-listers know that means it was a very strong and compelling feeling. So again, Why couldn't I share my negative feelings as easily as I share my positivity?
Is it the publicity of it all? Because my account is open to the public and anyone can read and see what I'm saying? I don't think so. If I was concerned about my privacy I would keep my account private. On deeper relection, I believe it's about vulnerability. I don't want to make myself vulnerable in that way. And it must be from my sense of pride and the thought that making myself vulnerable in that way shows me to be weak.
Still, does it really? Which shows more strength - exposing yourself on your bad day or putting on a happy face and carrying on? I think these are questions that a lot of people deal with on a regular basis. And I'm no exception.
So, back to my checklist, that is now not being completed. This is making me feel even worse. As my busy "on the go" life is getting busier as my to-do-list items are falling behind. Some people would say, so what? Do it tomorrow; it'll be ok! But for many of us, we define our who by our do. What we do and all the things we accomplish on a daily basis supports our identity and self-worth.
And still, I know there is a problem with this thought too - I'm a valuable person just because I'm me. I know that, logically. It's just on some days it's harder to keep that knowledge at the center of my vision.
So is it stronger to be vulnerable with your feelings or is it better to go into a figurative hibernation and hide your feelings to get through the day; the day with your checklist that defines you but doesn't at the same time? Fiberuary Challenge got me thinking on a whole 'nother level . . .
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